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A Very “Covid” Holiday Season

12/7/2020

At last, 2020 has come to an end. The presidential transition has begun. It has been a difficult year that none of us could have predicted at this time last year. As one colleague said so eloquently, “we are all in the same boat, but everyone has a different storm.” We are continuing to deal with Covid and just concluded a stressful presidential election.

I won’t bore you with the same old guidelines about washing your hands and wearing a face mask (although those things are important!), but how about some fun ideas for the holiday season?

Invite an elderly person or a friend to your home and then zoom with a larger group of people.
Designate one or two people as the “food committee” and select a menu for the group so that everyone can share the same meal.
If your group wants to mix things up, have a pot-luck style meal via zoom. Then, everyone can sign up to bring a couple of different dishes to be viewed online. You can share special ingredients that you used or why the dish is special to you. Swap recipes.
Discuss your favorite holidays from childhood or periods of your life when holidays were special or meaningful.
Have a game night or watch a movie together and discuss afterwards.
Share any special or funny stories from your holiday archives.
If you’re looking for apps that can help you to spice up your next online gathering, you might want to check out House Party, Marco Polo, or Rave.

Years ago, a close friend’s mother was so nervous about meeting her oldest daughter’s boyfriend, that she put the turkey in the oven, forgot to turn on the stove and didn’t realize it until a few hours later. The family joked about it for years after and called it “The Longest Thanksgiving in Family History.” The daughter’s boyfriend became a son-in-law and he refers to it as “the most stressful way to meet your future in-laws.”

You can also ask your friends or family what would make the holiday special, safe and financially doable for them. Some people are struggling and have lost income due to COVID and you don’t want them to feel left out, if your holiday plan is out of their price range.

Have a wonderful time planning your unique holiday and remember, you will be able to reminisce and laugh about it for years to come.

Happy Holidays and the best in 2021.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

THE YEAR OF STRESS AND UNCERTAINTY

10/5/2020

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, we have a supreme court vacancy, one of the worst debates in history, and now the President of the United States and the First Lady have tested positive for Covid 19.

In coaching and counseling numerous individuals, I have noticed that more people are blaming others, easily angered, seeing things in black and white and having difficulty conversing with people who have a different viewpoint. There is also increased stigma for those with mental health disorders.

This pattern seems to match up with our contentious political season and the fallout of the pandemic. There is a human tendency to devalue ideas that are counter to one’s own. Additionally, the 24-hour news cycle is focused on the most negative angle that they can dig up. The brain is wired to respond to negative stimuli, which is what the news taps into. The cumulative factor of which Dr. Steve Stonsy, Ph.D. refers to as, “Election Stress Disorder.”

A group of researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and Harvard Medical School reported that 55% of people are more stressed now than they were earlier this year due to the various cultural disruptions.

So, how can we help people with this unprecedented amount of stress and uncertainty?

Some of the biggest frustrations surrounding COVID 19 include; the disconnect from normal activities and routine, financial stress related to job loss and social isolation. Children and teens are missing their friends and young adults are experiencing changes in higher learning with increasing concerns about the job market.

A Few Tips for Coping During the Pandemic

Now is a good time to take stock of our lives and use any extra free time to connect with our true values. It is also a time to focus on forming meaningful connections, even if they have to be over Zoom. When we are interacting with others, can we listen more deeply? Perhaps we would benefit from trying to focus on their concerns and staying away from conversations regarding which candidate they support.

It’s also important to normalize that we are all experiencing increased stress right now. It’s crucial to practice being compassionate with yourself, if you are struggling to cope.

This year has brought many unforeseen changes, however doing the best you can to engage in self-care and being gentle towards others is the best way to get through these tough times and PS….don’t forget to vote.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Kamala Harris and Geraldine Ferraro

8/17/2020

“Young lady, do you make good blueberry muffins?” asked a Mississippi farmer to Vice Presidential Candidate Geraldine Ferraro in 1984

“She was very very nasty to Joe Biden. I cannot believe he chose her as his running mate. Harris is a madwoman.” -President Donald Trump, August 2020.

In the summer of 1984, I was driving in St Paul, Minnesota. It was two months after I had graduated from college. All of the sudden, I heard an announcement on the radio that Senator Walter Mondale had chosen Geraldine Ferraro as his running mate, making her the first woman on a major party ticket. I was excited beyond belief and felt that it would add a dimension to the race that we hadn’t seen before. Mondale was 12-19 points behind in the polls and even Ferraro herself had speculated that the democrats would not gamble on a woman unless the candidate was at least 15 points behind.

This was a huge step in our society and ended the boys club in American politics which was the focus of Ferraro’s obituary. The Mondale-Ferraro ticket had a slim chance of beating Reagan, however Ferraro being on the ticket created a lot of public anxiety around the idea of a woman being the Vice President of the United States. When Sarah Palin was selected in 2008, the anxiety level had gone down some and the public seemed slightly more open to having a woman on a major party ticket. Now we have the nomination of Kamala Harris and I am left to wonder how much things have changed. For instance, The President of the United States wasted no time in making sexist remarks and encouraging an old-world view of a woman with power.

Donna Zaccaro, Geraldine Ferraro’s oldest daughter, was interviewed recently and agreed that our culture is more accepting of women in leadership positions. She talked about how her mom’s candidacy really changed our society in terms of women going for and getting higher level jobs in politics, business and law. Donna also remarked that despite the shifts in our culture, Kamala Harris will face a lot of the same challenges that her late mother faced. Before long, the media will be focused on her appearance, her hair, her weight and her clothes. Is she coming across as too meek? Too shrill? or too nasty?

Tucker Carlson, of Fox News, spoke about Ms. Harris this past week and kept mispronouncing her name. When someone in the studio corrected him, he responded with, “who cares?” This is a strange thing to say about someone running for vice president. Why wouldn’t her name and the correct pronunciation matter? Perhaps this is a sign of things to come.

The changes in our society and the fact that Kamala Harris is the third woman to be on a major party ticket will hopefully help ease some of the attacks expected on the road ahead. She is also the first woman of color to be nominated for vice president and therefore is dealing with an additional level of bias and prejudice.

Although it’s unknown if Kamala Harris will be elected as vice president, every time we see a woman in a position of power, we are moving forward as a society.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

George Floyd: Where Do We Go from Here?

6/29/2020

On May 25th, a close friend and I celebrated Memorial Day and what would have been my mother’s 90th birthday. We had no idea that events were taking place in Minneapolis, Minnesota that would cause a ripple effect all over the world. I was born and raised in proximity to Minneapolis and St Paul and was stunned that this had occurred. After I took time to ponder the various police shootings in Minneapolis, I wasn’t surprised.

The last five weeks have been a lesson in our painful history and current culture of how police are trained and view their interactions with the public. What we will finally do to manage and change our current policing system?

To be honest, “defund the police” makes me very nervous, as once again, poor and indigenous communities will suffer the most if cities make changes and reduce law enforcement without a plan in place to preserve life and safety. Community policing was started years ago and should continue to be a focus.

NYPD commissioner, Dermot Shea recently discussed Mayor de Blasio’s announcement that New York City will move funding away from police and toward youth and teen programs which he felt can reduce crime. If we require 2-4 year degrees for police, they will need to be paid at a higher wage which will increase the police budget versus less money for police and more for social services.

Communities need help with violence, disorder, substance abuse and homelessness. Over the years, police and courts handled all social issues vs agencies which are better trained to do this. Policing is a tool of violence which facilitates gross inequities; slavery, colonialism, breaking unions and supervision of worker’s rights. Half of Minneapolis budget is police and jails. We need to rethink budgets and demand more police accountability and political accountability.

Everyone wants to “get back to normal” after 3 plus months of lockdown due to Covid 19 and the upheavals in towns and cities due to police misconduct. The murder of George Floyd and the protests and looting that followed made “moving back to normal” something that will take longer than originally thought. Will we ever be the same and should we be? One author said that the ruling class has been “looting” from the working poor and people of color every day. For instance, schools, homes, communities, labor and healthcare are typically well funded for the middle and upper classes, but have less resources available for the poor. The ruling class likes to shift the language to create a situation where the underclass has few rights. Law and Order is part of the ruling class and continues state violence and terror.

Before the terms law enforcement and police were created, the term was “slave patrol.” These were white volunteers whose goal it was maintain laws related to slavery. They captured anyone who escaped from bondage and returned them to their masters. The slave patrol could enter anyone’s home regardless of who they were, if they thought the home was sheltering slaves or engaged in any crime. This brings to mind the recent murder of Brianna Taylor. The modern form of going into someone’s home that they suspect of a crime and often, as in the case of Ms. Taylor, the person has nothing to do with the crime they are investigating. Brianna Taylor tragically lost her life when police were attempting to locate a suspect.

What can we do moving forward? We pat ourselves on the back for donating food, giving money, protesting, posting articles on social media, and signing petitions. However, the way to make lasting change is to invest in families, young people, and children. We need to be the change and we can do that by speaking up, making changes at work, hiring people of color, having tough conversations about race and mentoring young people.

Now is the time. Will we rise up or resume our lives yet again without making the changes that are needed?

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Covid 19 On Our Own Terms

5/4/2020

Burn Out: emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress.

“What is COVID 19 anyway?” a close friend, Karen asked. “What is COVID 19?” I echoed back. “Are you kidding?” I asked. “We are 6 weeks into this and you don’t know what it is?!” She told me that she refuses to get into another energy and time waster. I reminded her that New York City has been hit hard and is experiencing a major crisis. There has also been a large death toll in a short amount of time. I demanded to know how she could describe a pandemic as an ‘energy waster.’

Karen said that I needed to understand where she is coming from and how burned out she is. She went on to say that she spent five years in a post 9/11 counseling assignment which included helping the employees who also were impacted by the February 1993 World Trade Center bombing. She said that she was laid off from her job in 2009, about a year after the 2008 recession started. She admitted that this wasn’t so terrible as she wanted to go out on her own anyway and being laid off pushed her along faster. She also said that her town was hit hard by Superstorm Sandy in October 2014. Karen said that the worst of all of this is she cannot see anyone, do anything, and that her favorite shows are always interrupted by another politician’s news briefing.

I was a bit taken aback by Karen’s bluntness about the current crisis and her refusal to engage or have an understanding of how this impacts people.

What if a friend, colleague or client brings up a similar theme? How do we respond to this? Most people are so attached to the 24-hour news cycle that it is hard to respond to someone who is disinterested. As therapists, coaches and small business consultants, we live by the motto of “meeting people where they’re at.”

When Karen reminded me of all the things that she has dealt with professionally as well as the impact of those events on her community, I understood why she didn’t want to focus her time and attention on COVID 19. I tried to listen to where Karen was coming from and make sure that she was practicing the safety measures that are required of all New Yorkers such as masks and social distancing. She grumbled that she was taking appropriate safety precautions.

I also realized that Karen was going to her job every day in New York City and this was of great concern to me. Karen said she is the only one on her office and floor, but there are a few other people in the building as well as the security staff. Karen told me that she feels safe and secure in the office and all her files are there.

I hope everyone is safe during this time and that this blog has helped you be compassionate towards those that may handle a crisis in a different way.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Will I Ever Leave My Company?

3/9/2020

In November, I addressed the topic of how to know when it’s time to leave a job. I discussed my client *John and his wish to consider his next career move because he has lost interest in his current job. Now John is struggling with the fact that he has been looking for a job on and off for 6 months and is still at his current company, getting more and more unhappy as each day passes. Why can’t John leave his company? Is he stuck?

John is considering leaving his job before he has his next opportunity lined up, but he doesn’t have 3-6 months of expenses saved and asks “What will I do with all of my free time? Though counseling, I addressed his desire to leave and inability to do so. I found a few areas that may be hindering John’s ability to make the change.

John is sporadic and undisciplined in his approach. He will spend 2-3 hours each week on his job search for a month or two and then stop or do very little for another couple of months. He will spend the latter time seeing friends, going to parties and working on other projects at home. I am stressing to him that he must do a few hours a week, even if he thinks there is a job that he will be offered. “You don’t stop the search until you have an offer in writing,’ I say.

John lacks accountability when it comes to his job search. John has two close friends who he met through online courses and were his accountability partners. He has continued a relationship with both of them and they have regular contact. The two friends share their progress in areas of their life, but John doesn’t discuss his search or his challenges. “Why do you have accountability partners that you don’t use?” I asked. John said he is embarrassed to admit to them that he hasn’t made much headway in 6 months.

John should consider attending a job search club or job seeker’s group. John works in New York City and there are several options, including the 5 O’clock club.

This club meets for two hours each week; a one hour lecture and one hour of small group where everyone reports and gives feedback to each other. He said his schedule is pretty full and that he doesn’t want to add an evening commitment to his already tight schedule. He also says that he has read books on the subject and has tools and techniques from our counseling together.

The bottom line is that John must have an accountability system in place. That can be a job search club, reporting to his friends and former accountability partners or meeting with a job search coach. He would also need to commit to 3-4 non-negotiable hours a week for his job search.

I told John that he must make a decision on what system he puts in place and that this will likely lead to more clarity and the ability to move out of his current job.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

2020: Should I Bother with New Year’s Resolutions?

1/13/2020

It’s that time again when our society tells us that we have to make New Year’s resolutions. This year, I find myself questioning this age-old practice. I have had the same two resolutions for several years and have made no more progress in all those years than I did in the first year that I set these goals.

Why do so many resolutions fail? Why do so many people forget their resolutions within the first couple of weeks after making them? Some fault the process as there is only one time a year we make resolutions and it is right after the busy holiday season.

Maybe resolutions are too focused on problems or something that is wrong with us versus thinking about what motivates and inspires us.

It’s helpful to think about something in our life that we can improve, rather than making a big resolution around it.

Some examples could be focusing on health and nourishing ourselves mindfully versus “losing weight.” Improving money habits versus “making a budget.” How about picking a friend or family member that you would like to see once a month or every two months versus “spend more time with friends and family?” Do you see the difference?

Another thing to consider is the timing of making changes. Some do not like starting the year off this way. Some people like to make changes in the Spring or during Lent when it is warmer and lighter out. Some like to start the fall out by setting goals around changing things in their lives. Many people see fall as the start of the new year because it’s also the start of the school year.

We aren’t stuck with any one way of doing things and we always can feel free to create our own routines or traditions.

Some additional ideas are:

Write in a journal every day.
Pick an idea or theme for the year.
Identify goals or improvements that you want to make in your life.
Find an accountability partner or share with a friend (notice I said ‘share’ vs. ‘report to!’)

I hope these ideas are useful and revolutionize the way that you make changes in your life.

Happy New Year!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

IS IT TIME TO LEAVE MY JOB?

11/4/2019

*John has spent much of his time in counseling discussing how much he dislikes his job and how crazy it has gotten due to the lack of support by management. He admits that he is unhappy most of the time and it is impacting his life outside of work. “I don’t see my friends or go out as much as I used to,” he said.

John doesn’t know what he will do next and isn’t sure there is a job out there for him at the same salary with the same great benefits and fun colleagues. He also wants a job where he interacts with clients more, instead of getting mired in administrative tasks.

John and I have discussed and explored various issues to determine if it’s time for him leave and the following are some of them.

Here are some signs that it might be time to leave your job:

You’re unhappy to the point that it impacts your life.
The skills that are needed for your role aren’t things that you enjoy.
You dread going to work.
You know that your clients are starting to suffer as a result of your lack of enthusiasm.
There is disorganization and management changes.
You’re reading blogs on the signs that it is time to leave a job.

After reading this list, what do you think? Do these points resonate with you? Are you willing to wait? What is stopping you from getting started? What are the steps you need to start taking to help yourself to move on?

It is always easier to get a job while you have a job as there isn’t the pressure of finances or grabbing something too quickly just to make a move.

If you take your time to search for jobs and network, you will be more likely to make a good career move versus just changing jobs.

It is only too late if you don’t start now!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Who Can Help Me with My Boss?

9/23/2019

Lisa* charged into the office and sat down with a sense of defiance that I hadn’t seen in a while. She is fed up with her situation at work and has finally decided to do something about it. There have been several managerial changes which has led to a deterioration of her work with customers. For the past year, she has tried over and over to discuss the issues at work with her boss and he either cuts her off, dismisses her, or changes the subject. More importantly, she cannot locate him when she needs to discuss something. “He always disappears in one form or another” she exclaims, “I am going to HR!”

After she calmed down, she was able to take a less defiant stand and said she needed to take some time to consider her course of action.

Lisa and I have spent time in our coaching sessions addressing how to best help her perform the duties of her job. We also discussed what she can do to receive support from her boss given the impact of the changes on her work. She had considered going to Human Resources as they are independent of her department and uninvolved in the conflict.

Some Things to Consider

If you feel that your situation needs to be brought to a higher level the following are some things to consider.

Have you considered speaking to a trusted coworker about your experience with all the changes?
Have you prepared an agenda of the issues that you want to cover? Some people find it helpful to provide a script with specific concerns and the timeline for which they occurred. This will keep the meeting structured and focused on key issues versus every big and small issue that comes up at work.
Have you spoken to another supervisor about your concerns? If you phrase it that you are concerned about how the problems impact customers and the services rendered to them, you are more likely to be heard.
Were you satisfied with the outcome of the meeting? If not, do you want to schedule a follow-up meeting or speak to someone at the next level?

If you cannot speak to another manager about your boss, you can consider going to HR to discuss your concerns. They are trained to be an independent third party in the workplace. The only thing to remember is that depending on the type of issues that you address with HR, they may not be able to keep the conversation confidential if it impacts safety or customer service.

Remember, no matter who you speak to or how the conversation goes, it’s important to listen and be professional. Even if the meeting doesn’t go as planned, you were able to engage in a difficult conversation. Ultimately, this is a first step in improving your job performance and being the best employee that you can be.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Gay Pride and Adoption Prejudice

7/15/2019

Two weeks ago, we celebrated a major milestone in the gay rights movement. Many states have legalized gay marriage and couples are debating their wish to marry and trying to decide how they will create a family.

When I moved to New York City several years ago, I was stunned at the attitude people had towards adoption. I have adoption in my family and the issue was very open in my world. I hadn’t previously heard the level of pathology and criticism that I would hear in New York City social work and psychology circles. The view seemed very ignorant and many people who were driving these attitudes didn’t seem to have much experience with the topic.

I tried to challenge their beliefs, but most people would have none of it. They insisted that so many children should have remained with their biological families and that too many people had “bad experiences” with adoption. I would ask if families with biological children had “bad experiences” and wasn’t it the field of social work and psychology that started to treat families with problems?

The level of prejudice towards non-traditional and non-biological families has held strong for many years. I have often wondered if it would ever change.

Many years would go by and soon there would be changes that I could have never imagined. Many of the people who are most opposed to adoption, would become the biggest supporters of gay marriage. They wanted to give two men and two women the right to many, even though these unions will not produce a biological child.

Recently a colleague was treating a patient who is adopted and she indicated that he had problems because he was adopted, as she felt many adoptees do. Her son is partnered with another man and they adopted three girls from different cultural backgrounds. This colleague has always been so happy that our society has changed and her son can be with another man and have children, but she didn’t seem to hear the contradiction in her own comments.

Another colleague feels that “non-biologicals,” her term for adoption, has been a bad situation for many. A few days after the Supreme Court affirmed gay marriage, she was at a party dressed in the LGBTQ colors. I did mention to her that this will mean more “non-biological families” and she seemed taken back and it was clear she hadn’t thought the issue through.

We are at an exciting time in our culture as many issues and institutions are changing and we are giving rights to people who have been denied them for so long. If we are going to have these shifts in our society, it’s crucial to look more deeply into the viewpoints that we hold surrounding gay marriage and adoption.

If we support the union, how do we repair and make amends to people who have been hurt by these views?

We have come too far to allow prejudice to color our view of what it means to be a family.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.