Kay Gimmestad - NYC Area Workplace Performance Issues

A DISENGAGED BOSS? There are Some Advantages

1/23/2023

Since the beginning of the “Covid Era,” I am hearing more about a fractured workforce and disengaged bosses. While most people in the workforce are grateful for more flexibility and the ability to work from home, there is less cohesiveness than there was pre-Covid.

In my counseling and coaching sessions, this topic is becoming more common. The issue is not a boss who is temporarily disengaged due to a deadline, but a boss who is always disconnected with little involvement with the staff on day-to-day issues no matter what the circumstances are.

*Mary, one of my coaching clients took a rare business trip to meet with an important client and when she returned, her boss never inquired about the trip. A month later, her boss requested a meeting to review her projects and she mentioned that would be a great opportunity to discuss her trip. Once the meeting took place, her boss never asked her about the trip. She decided to let the matter drop and if he was interested in the future, she would be happy to share the experience with him.

Mary and I strategized about other things she could do, given she enjoyed her job and had no plans to seek other employment. Mary decided to build closer alliances with her business partners and her staff. She made it a point to support them and share how their joint efforts were crucial to their work.

Mary works on a small staff and there are no other managers to fill in for her boss. Other staff on her team agree that their boss is uninvolved and that they will work closely together to make sure the job is done well.

Some Other Tips:

Self-Motivation: Remind yourself why you are at the company and the goals at hand. Whenever you start to think of what your boss should be doing, try to re-direct and work on a task for the good of the company.

Communication with Boss: Send brief emails to your boss updating them on your work and any issues that come up. Brief emails will more likely be read.

Keep Perspective: Remember that you do a good job and take pride in your work. Others on staff and clients are happy with your work. Work is just part of your life and hopefully you are supported by your family, friends and community.

Freedom and Autonomy: When a boss is uninvolved, this can give an employee freedom and autonomy to work up a level and put new ideas in place. An uninvolved boss will likely say yes to many suggestions as it would be too much effort to think it through and implement it. You can come up with the plan to make your idea a reality.

Leadership and Visibility: You can become the leader and give direction to staff and projects, given that your boss does not. This is a golden opportunity. If you seek a different job in the future, you can say that you had increased leadership within the company.

We have a tendency to focus on what is missing or “I could do this or that if my boss really cared.” I have outlined the many advantages of having a disinterested boss. I hope you will take advantage of them.

Happy New Year!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Future Optimism for Young People

12/5/2022

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During my annual Thanksgiving zoom call with my relatives, my cousin and her daughter started talking about her future and the concerns that her and her friends have. They discussed how to navigate this and be optimistic about the future. At first my cousin and I were talking about challenges for people in high school and/or college. A few minutes into the conversation, my 17-year-old 2nd cousin started to discuss her life.

Prior to the conversation, I had noticed that there is so much focus on systems and institutions such as healthcare, the government and law enforcement. It felt as if young people were being left out and there were not enough conversations and focus on their lives. It’s important to provide space and resources to prepare our young people for a positive and meaningful future.

We discussed meaningful connections with family, friends and community and making sure young people have access to online and in-person interaction.

In addition, it’s important to support young people in lessening contact with a friend or family member that does not serve them.

The biggest concern for teens and young adults appears to be access to mental health services. Many of their friends are not getting help or are unsure of how to access it. It is important that schools and communities provide telehealth, in-person and sliding scale services to make sure that no one gets left out. How do schools, hospitals and clinics pool their resources and staff to make sure this care is accessible to all, especially in rural areas?

Some Tips:

-Make sure the young people in your life have the appropriate education, training and skills to feel confident about their future. Not everyone can go from high school to college. Some want to take a year off to work and research what type of schooling or training works for them. Support their process of exploration.

-Show appreciation for the accomplishments of young people and their skill and savvy in technology and how this is impacting the world for the better. They will continue to make contributions big and small in the digital age.

-Have discussions with young people about the golden opportunity that awaits them to start new traditions and ways of thinking. What worked in the past or for older people -may not be the way of their future. They can use these disruptions in our world to think about the way they want their life to be.

-Reassure teens and college students that they will catch up on their schooling that slowed or got disrupted during the pandemic. I always hear, “we are behind” and it is “difficult to catch up.” Focus on helping and prioritizing so that they can feel and accomplish small steps to complete any homework or learning that needs to be done to feel they are “catching up.”

These suggestions that my cousin and her daughter discussed, can take time and patience. Being available to listen and create space to support young people and also to make sure they know they can talk to the adults in their life. This will help all of these life suggestions to become a reality.

Finally, remember to always take time to relax and have fun.

Happy Holidays!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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RECLAIMING OUR VOTE

10/10/2022

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As November 8th is approaching, we are hearing that this year is one of the most important elections in recent history. More information is being reported to the American public about politicians and legislatures implementing laws and taking action that make it harder for some individuals to vote.

As I am becoming more knowledgeable about this, I am trying to do my part to reach out to individuals who may have more challenges with voting. One organization is The Center for Common Ground. Volunteers are given a list of individuals who have been identified due to cultural, economic and historical considerations. Some of these individuals do not have internet access. We write postcards with a scripted message and include information on contacting a resource to make sure they can get to the polls.

How can we help people in our communities and gain awareness around barriers to a free election system? One way is to know what the barriers are and why a portion of our citizens feel voting is not worth the effort.

The following are some potential barriers towards voting

Voter ID Requirements: Most people have a photo ID, but some don’t. Requiring this excludes people who use PO boxes or live in secluded communities, such as Native Americans living on reservations.

Language Barriers: Jurisdictions are required to allow citizens to vote. However, they do not translate information in the person’s first language. This makes it hard for some immigrants and communities of color to access needed information and to vote.

Funding Issues: It is getting harder for municipalities to have the resources to make sure everyone’s vote counts. This came to light in the 2000 election which highlighted outdated voting machines and confusing ballots. Remember the “butterfly ballot?”

Polling Center Closures: As funding continues to diminish, more polling places are closing down to cover wider geographical areas. This can lead to barriers accessing centers due to mobility issues and for those that do not have transportation.

Training and Education: In order for Poll workers to handle and manage the responsibilities on election day, increased training is needed so that workers can assist with provisional ballots, language assistance, accessibility and being aware of voter intimidation.

Partisan Election Officials: State and local officials handle elections. Many of these officials have a stake in the outcome that is favorable to their candidate.

In the last several years, the philanthropic community, lawyers, activists and grassroots organizations have joined forces to fight to maintain voter’s rights. If you know anyone who is impacted by these barriers, get involved and help to ensure that they can exercise their right to vote. Contact local government organizations, ACLU or the Justice department to make sure these citizens can access a polling center.

Additional resources are www.aclu.org, www.commoncause.org or your local election board.

Don’t forget to vote.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Avoiding Flightmares and Tips for Reducing Summer Travel Stress

8/15/2022

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A few weeks ago, I asked a colleague if she had been traveling this summer and what her plans are. She had always taken wonderful European vacations to visit friends and attended international conferences. She said that she was staying home this summer due to a “flightmare” that she had this past spring when she was travelling. I told her that I had just learned a new word and loved it. I told her that I assumed that “flightmare” is a nightmare while trying to fly to and from one’s destination.

This has been a summer unlike any other and I know many people who took only one trip versus their usual two or three. Some have decided car trips are the best way to travel this summer, but what about those of us that cannot resist travel and are willing to take the risks associated with travel under Covid?

Pre-travel is often the most stressful as you are preparing, packing and trying to get work done. I have spoken to friends over the years and have learned some great tips to keep travel going smoothly.

Planning: If you are going on your own versus an escorted bus tour, I recommend starting to plan several months prior to your summer trip. That means exploring routes, hotels and the activities. You don’t want to feel the added stress of last-minute decisions regarding your itinerary. Leave extra time to get to and be at the airport as well as making sure your itinerary isn’t packed too tightly.

Money: If you are going with a significant other or a friend who has a very different budget than you do, discuss this before you decide to take a trip together and decide what you will splurge on and where you will spend less. Some people stay in smaller hotels and do simple restaurants with an affordable menu and then do a nice dinner on the last night of the trip. Decide if you want to splurge daily on tourist attractions or if you prefer to have 1-2 special events on your trip.

It is easy to get swept away by a friend’s photos of their fancy trip or pictures posted on social media. Make sure you plan a trip that is affordable for you.

Preparation This depends on where you are going and the length of time. For an international trip that is 1-2 weeks, starting a month ahead of time is a good idea. That
Gives you 4 weekends to get ready. You can make a list of what has to be done each weekend as well as any purchases for your trip. This includes getting foreign currency, purchasing items that you cannot get oversees, having the right reading material and activities to occupy your time during the long flight oversees.

Your Home: Try to clean, straighten and organize before you leave as it will be nice to come home to an organized home.

The Office: It is easy to spend your final days on vacation worrying about the voicemails, emails and work you are coming back to. Many people have asked that colleagues or outside vendors not call or email while they are away.

**Children: Make sure that everyone has a say whenever decisions have to be made or adjustments to the itinerary. If it is fun for children they can help pack, help plan and help pick restaurants. Have some coloring books, stories and devices to help them with long hours on a plane or in a car.

The most important reasons that we travel are to relax, experience a new place and to make new memories. Try to focus on your reasons for traveling in the first place. This will keep things in perspective if the weather or some of the destinations are not what you had planned.

**More info on traveling as a family or with children can be found on the blog Ytravelblog.com

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Overturning Roe vs. Wade

6/27/2022

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As I struggle to put together my blog for this month, I wonder what happens when a blogger faces a blank page and is unable to find the words. The past two days were extraordinary and tough for those of us who want abortion to remain safe and legal. I am at a loss for words, but here I go.

On Friday, we had one of the most unprecedented decisions in our lifetime. This has left many of us wondering where we go from here. Today is Pride Day, the biggest day of celebration for the LGBTQ community and those that support them. What do the two have in common?

For the past several years, more and more single folks, couples and families are expressing interest in adoption. This includes same sex couples, couples who cannot have children and couples with children who want to adopt. It is getting harder to adopt an American baby and many are going through the long and costly process of international adoption. Others are not interested in adopting oversees. The fight over choice and rights of the unborn has been going on for 50 years with neither side winning by much. As soon as Roe was decided, the fight began to overturn the decision by chipping away at the statue. If the decision to overturn Roe is reversed, it will likely eventually be reversed again with a back and forth for years to come.

As I researched the issue of adoption with the rights of women to make their decision, I learned that few women choose adoption. The majority either terminate their pregnancy or keep the baby and raise it on their own. A small group of women chose to surrender their child. If a woman carries a child to term, she usually has bonded with her baby and cannot fathom having her child out in the world with a family that she doesn’t know. She will always question if she made the right decision. The process of placing a child for adoption can be very traumatic for women and their partners, thus abortion is often the preferred decision. Historically, adoption has been done with much secrecy and is referred to as a “closed adoption” which just adds to the complicated nature of the issue.

Is the work to keep fighting the issue back and forth or would it be better to destigmatize unwanted pregnancy and support women in carrying the child to term in a community based model versus the medical model? What if communities identified families that wanted to adopt and made this known to women should they have an unwanted pregnancy? They can see what type of family their child would be raised in. Women would consider if they want their child in a small or large family, city, suburban or rural, a family like theirs or a family that is different from theirs, a same sex couple or a traditional family, and what type of faith the family observes so that women can be more comfortable in considering adoption.

What are other creative solutions that can move us away from the choice and life binary?

I have been a staunch supporter of choice but are the years of time and energy on the issue getting us anywhere? How do we keep this issue out of the hands of politicians and judges? Can we? I presented one idea.

Resources:

Why So Many Women Choose Abortion over Adoption by Olga Khazan The Atlantic May 20, 2019

The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v Wade. By Ann Fessler. (2006)

Gay Pride and Adoption Prejudice by Kay Gimmestad July 15, 2019

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Partnering with Unions in Clinical Work

5/2/2022

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My job and private consulting practice involves working with many covered employees who are referred by their union. Over the years, I have seen the relationship improve with unions and clinicians. We have figured out the best way to work with each other in the service of our employees. It has been common to think of management on one side and the union on the other with the clinician somewhere in the middle.

When I worked in a corporation on a union centered company with very high production, management discouraged me from interfacing with union leaders as they felt that the union wants to work at cross purposes; do what the member wants vs what I feel the member needs. Another issue of concern for the company was that the case may go to a hearing and the clinician would be sitting on the company side and the union would be on the “opposing side.”

In my first several years working in companies with large amounts of union employees, I had no contact with the union. Rather, a manager in the company was designated to provide communication to the union. This way the clinician could make the determination about the best course of treatment without union input. Sometimes union leaders would give the union member the name of a therapist that they felt the member should go to. Then, the member would come into my office and hand me the piece of paper and say, “my union wants you to send me to this person.” I was always taken aback as the person hadn’t been evaluated yet. Certain treatment centers or private therapists may be known as “union psychologists” or “advocates” for the member and know the union leadership.

Managers can do the same thing. They have meetings with employees and start to get into discussions about the employees’ problems versus referring the employee to the EAP so that they can evaluate them and make clinical recommendations. Sometimes I have to tell managers to be clear about their role and that if they are concerned about their employees and want to support them, there are services and professionals who are trained to help them.

Having a close alliance with the shop stewards and business agents has become more critical in recent years. Whenever the union senses that something has changed with an employee, the union will speak to them and get them on the phone with me or one of my colleagues so that there is an immediate intervention. Their hope is that work performance stays at the level that is expected and to lessen the chance of a manager getting involved. If the union smells alcohol or thinks a member has been using drugs, they do the same thing by stressing the need to speak with a trained counselor. Another thing that is done is to have the member go out sick so that they are not tested or it doesn’t escalate in the workforce before counseling staff can intervene and start the treatment process.

If someone is mandated to our drug and alcohol program and is not attending the groups and drug testing, the union has offered to speak to the member to show that we are on the same page or to get on a call with me and speak to the member with me to stress the importance of following the treatment protocol.

When I first started working with companies, I assumed that the union would not be an asset or may interfere with the treatment process. However, in recent years, I have learned that unions want members to address their problems to be able to do their work and become even better employees. The union has proved to be a key asset in helping to make this happen.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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War Has Begun: More Trauma and Uncertainty

3/7/2022

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In 2020, I wrote my last blog of the year which was titled, “The Year of Stress and Uncertainty.” It had been a long year since the pandemic broke out in March 2020. We were fatigued and ready to begin 2021 with hope of a vaccine and a cure. We survived the next year as well as increased political divisions and a recession in some sectors of the economy.

Now, as Covid will hit the two-year mark next month and restrictions are starting to lift, there has been a collective sigh of relief. However, we are beset by another global catastrophe, Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

Coverage of the war can be especially difficult, given that so many American citizens fled war-torn countries to live safely in the United States. Many will be re-traumatized as they watch the citizens of Ukraine abruptly leave their country to seek solace in other parts of the world.

Given the slow-down of the last two years, people were forced to rethink their lives, create more work-life balance and set new goals. Now that we are finally coming out of the woods with respect to the pandemic, we have to cope with another major event. We worry knowing that it is easier to start and sustain a war after a period of destabilization, as historians have noted. For instance, WW2 started right after the Depression.

Even though the crisis is on the other side of the world, there are many immigrants from Russia and Ukraine in our cities, thus making us feel closer to that part of the world. The recent invasion has shaken our sense of security as we were just starting to feel secure again.

Where do we go from here and what do we do now?

Some ideas are as follows:

We can start by focusing on gathering information from credible news sources.
We may want to set some boundaries such as, keeping the TV off, and closing news briefs and apps on our phone.
It can be helpful to spend time with friends and family and focus on other matters such as your activities, work and plans this summer. You may want to make an agreement with friends and family that you will limit your discussion of the war.
Focus on a consistent routine as this may help you to feel that you have control over your life vs. worrying about the matters that you don’t have control of. Once you return to reading about the pandemic or the war, you may feel calmer and more able to manage.
It’s important to ensure that you are getting 3 meals a day, some snacks, plenty of water, rest, and exercise if that feels helpful for you.
Try to avoid maladaptive coping strategies like drugs, alcohol, overeating, and over spending.
Postpone any big decisions until you feel you are in the right “frame of mind” to make them.
If you feel sad or angry, try to speak to a trusted friend or professional. It is better to allow yourself to feel any emotions that come up. If you don’t have a counselor, Talkspace is a good place to start.
If you have children or are in a caregiving role to children, make sure they know that you are available and open to answer any questions that they may have.

One of the most healing things that you can do is to reach out to organizations that are assisting people in Ukraine or refugees who are seeking asylum elsewhere. If you want to help out closer to home, many people within our own community have needs and can use support during these challenging times.

Here are some organizations that you can support:

Ukraine Humanitarian Fund
Ukrainian Red Cross
Save the Children
Unicef
Ukraine Crisis Appeal

These are tough times and I hope my tips provide some help as we all navigate what’s to come in the future.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Happy New Year as Covid Turns 2

1/10/2022

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I started my December 2020 blog with, “At last, 2020 has come to an end.” The world was ready to kiss 2020 goodbye and everyone was excited for a new year, a vaccine and an end to Covid-19. I said that we would reminisce and talk about it for years to come, but that isn’t what ended up happening in 2021. Unfortunately, 2021 brought more uncertainty, frustration and two new variants; Delta and Omicron.

Despite this, schools and workplaces began to open, people started to venture out on vacation and attend entertainment venues. The vaccine became a contentious political issue with some insisting that they had a right to make decisions regarding their health regardless of the information provided by healthcare experts.

Despite the slow and steady progress everyone is ready to return to our normal lives. However, Covid has brought big changes to our lives, abruptly and without warning.

These adjustments brought a range of feelings and experiences. Many did not know how to navigate multiple issues while sheltered at home. Some thought to themselves, ‘how do I work from home, provide schooling for my children and be a good spouse or partner?’ The stress of being unable to go out and take time apart from family for one’s daily routine was one of the biggest challenges for many. The opening and closing of schools, added frustrations to an already stressful situation. It became impossible to have a regular routine which made daily life challenging for some families.

Some things to keep in mind:

Our world remains uncertain. Hopefully this year we can think about who, what and how we want to live our lives.

Make decisions based on the present and what is in your control. Do not try to plan for variables that do not exist or are unknown.

Limit how much time spent reading, listening or discussing the pandemic. Try to find lighter topics to focus on that are fun and bring you joy.

Be gentle with yourself and others regarding handling the pandemic. If someone cancels plans or a trip with you, try to be understanding and see it from their point of view.

If you are attending a gathering and guests are not vaccinated, feel free to ask those that are attending to get a Covid test. If you get push-back, decide if you prefer to stay home or schedule an activity that feels safe and poses less risk.

I know many people who have restructured and redesigned their lives in the past two years and have embraced new ways to live in a post-Covid world.

We want to live our lives with purpose and meaning whatever life brings.

Have a safe and prosperous New Year!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Preparing for Difficult Conversations

11/15/2021

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Several years ago, I heard the term ‘courageous conversations.’ To me, it sounded like a new coaching practice used in organizations and companies. I was thinking about this concept recently when I had two conversations within a few weeks of each other. One went very well and the other did not.

Prior to the first conversation, I prepared my points, took a few minutes to clear my mind of other tasks, centered myself and closed my office door. The conversation started smoothy and seemed to go well with both parties satisfied of the outcome.

A week later, I was getting ready to call a manager after I had notified him that his employee should not be on the job due to ongoing mental health and substance use issues. It was a very hectic morning and the phones were ringing off the hook.

I had to call the manager quickly as I had less time that day for calls. I knew I hadn’t prepared as I had the week before. In my mind, I believed that the call may not go well.

The conversation started calmly, but due to both parties feeling stressed and having completely different ways of proceeding with this employee, the conversation went poorly and no issues were resolved. The other party said he would take the matter up with upper management and their company attorney.

I thought about both of these conversations and how I had prepared or failed to prepare and how that had impacted the outcome. It made me think of what is needed to have a successful conversation on a difficult issue.

Here are some tips for navigating difficult conversations:

Approach the conversation with the goal of listening to the other person’s concerns vs thinking about what you will say.

-Frame it as a chance to have a positive outcome instead of thinking, “this will be a difficult conversation.”

Speak as soon as possible.

- Putting off or refusing to speak with managers about work issues can cause resentments and create a toxic work environment. This can cause poor concentration and may decrease one’s work performance. Some studies say that employees spend just under 3 hours a week dealing with office conflicts. This is a lot of time and energy that can be costly for an employer.

Have the courage to be honest and direct.

-Talking honestly and presenting your viewpoint with clarity creates mutually respectful relationships. If you or the other party feels on the defensive, clarity versus an overly direct style is best.

Stay centered.

-As we get caught up in the heat of the moment, it becomes hard to speak with clarity. Practice breathing and write down some key points, which will allow for flexibility. Making a structured script may be too rigid and could lead to a problematic outcome. Try to remain calm and tell yourself that a good outcome is possible for both parties.

The Bottom Line

Rethinking difficult conversations can be so important and useful both professionally and personally. In these moments; prepare, stay calm and be confident that you are communicating in the most effective way possible. This will lead to the best results for you and the other person.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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Coping Tips for Dealing with Family Estrangement

9/20/2021

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As the COVID restrictions have lifted and families are no longer spending all of their time quarantined together, I am starting to hear more about the issue of families and estrangement.

*Pam, a patient of mine, came into our counseling session feeling jilted. She had just run into her brother after years of estrangement following the death of their father. She talked about their relationship and how they had never been that close throughout their childhood. She mentioned that her parents were unsure of how to help the two of them have a relationship.

She said that when she ran into him, they had a very brief conversation. Then, he said he had to get going and quickly walked away. She found the experience painful. A close friend happened to be with her and her friend was shocked at the tone and abruptness of the conversation given that the two were raised in the same household for 18 years. There were no other children in the family.

Researchers in the field of family and sibling relationships say that estrangement among siblings is rare about 7-8%, however it’s likely that this issue is underreported.

Pam said that she has had minimal contact with her brother in recent years, but there would be occasional emails or texts. In the last 6 months, her attempts to reach out to her brother were unsuccessful. Pam has wondered if it is healthy to continue trying to have a relationship with him at all.

Ideas to consider when coping with sibling estrangement:

You can reach out 1-2 times a year with low expectations regarding the response you will receive.

You might also reach out to your sibling to inquire if they would like to have contact and if they decline, ask if you can reach out again in 6 months or a year.

Consider having a family member or professional meet with you and your sibling to ease back into each other’s lives and assist with communication.

Evaluate the reason for the estrangement and your role in it. What can you offer to do differently and what support do you need to make this relationship healthier?

See a therapist or join a support group that specializes in siblings and estrangement.

Consider if reconciliation is the best course of action or if estrangement is a healthier solution?

Speak to a trusted friend that can listen without judgement.

If you decide not to reconnect, you will need to take time to grieve this loss and what could have been, especially if it is your only sibling. Pam thought she had moved on from her brother, but this encounter brought up unresolved feelings and she found it took time to process the experience.

Remember, reconnecting with a sibling may not be possible for many reasons. Pam and others in this situation have taken time to grieve this loss and have tried to focus on the other relationships in their lives whether it be relatives, friends and their intimate partners as a way to have a full life without their sibling.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

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<<Previous

A DISENGAGED BOSS? There are Some Advantages

Future Optimism for Young People

RECLAIMING OUR VOTE

Avoiding Flightmares and Tips for Reducing Summer Travel Stress

Overturning Roe vs. Wade

Partnering with Unions in Clinical Work

War Has Begun: More Trauma and Uncertainty

Happy New Year as Covid Turns 2

Preparing for Difficult Conversations

Coping Tips for Dealing with Family Estrangement

If You Have a Problem Employee or an Employee with a Problem...

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