The other day, I was getting ready to swim laps. Lap swimming felt like both a necessary and enjoyable hobby for me after my competitive swimming days ended years ago.
 
Before my fellow swimmers and I jump into the lap lane, we exit the locker room and do a strut across the pool deck like we are contestants in a swim suit competition. There is a window around the pool full of parents and children watching their child or sibling learn to swim. We hope they will glance at us, just for a second to acknowledge our swimwear and physical fitness.
 
Even though many of my fellow swimmers and I are not in the shape that we were when we were 20 years old, we all like to parade in front of the onlookers.
 
When it was announced that the Miss America pageant was discontinuing the swimsuit competition, I felt sad and nostalgic for the days when contestants were able to wear one piece bathing suits and there was much more body diversity.
 
I have always liked the fact that physical fitness was part of the competition. However, I was alarmed at the extreme thinness that has taken over the competition in recent years and that the only swimwear allowed is a skimpy bikini.
 
Rather than discontinuing the swimsuit competition, officials could have thought about a range of ways to judge fitness and conditioning, as well as opening up the competition to women of diverse body types.
 
Being a pageant watcher all my life, I know that many women feel confidence about the work that is involved in getting ready for the swimsuit competition. I heard one former contestant say that she felt empowered when she did her strut across the stage in front of millions of people. “Is there anything I can’t do after doing that,” she proclaimed.
 
This phase of the competition is a chance to show the power and strength of a woman’s body. If we think that the swimsuit competition is bad, at what point are we colluding with a culture that says women’s bodies are destructive and toxic.
 
The pageant had a golden opportunity to rethink the competition as they are trying to be more sensitive to our cultural climate.
 
Officials said that the bathing suit competition has been their Achilles heel over the years.
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However, what if they had let the contestants have some say in how they demonstrate a healthy mind and body? Maybe the organization could have come up with a range of ways to show this, including swimwear. This would also be in line with having more diversity in body types and cultural backgrounds.
 
I am disappointed that bathing suits are out of the competition and like many controversies, I don’t think we can decide if this previous phase of the competition is objectifying or empowering.
 
However, I feel that the pageant missed an opportunity to rethink this important part of the competition.
 
Well….it is time for me to take my swim.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.
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The shocking deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have brought worldwide attention to the suicide epidemic in the United States, as well as a call to destigmatize mental illness. Calls to crisis hotlines have spiked in the past couple of weeks, which is typical after a death of a high-profile person. For instance, similar trends were noted after Robin Williams’ death. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has put suicide in the top 10 causes of death.  
 
Many factors can cause a person to end their life, whether they have struggled with depression for many years or have had a recent episode of major depression. Some events that can lead to suicidal ideation are: job loss, financial problems, divorce and health problems. If you notice that someone is “down,” not themselves, easily agitated, or withdrawn, these could be signs that they are contemplating suicide.
 
In the past few years, I have worked with individuals in my private practice and managers of firms who have asked me what to do when they are concerned about someone. I also previously counseled a woman whose fiancé had returned from war who was at a high risk for self-harm.
 
In all of these situations, it is important to find a time when the person is able to sit down and speak in person. It’s important to start by telling the individual the changes that you have noticed. You can give a few examples of what you have seen and why you are concerned. It is important not to overwhelm the person as that may cause the person to withdraw further. This is especially true if someone has had a traumatic experience, such as a loss of a loved one or has been in combat as part of their military service.
 
If the person is not ready to get help, you can continue to try and speak with them to check in on how they are doing. If you are still concerned, you can suggest that they see a mental health professional and offer them some resources. Most people have access to employee assistance programs, therapists in their community and mental health centers.
 
We can all do our part to help people who are suffering from mental illness by showing our concern and letting people know that we are there for them. Ultimately, it’s crucial that we work to eradicate the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Burnout: emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress and overworking.
 
During Lisa’s first two years at work she was excited to come to work, found her work engaging and enjoyed the staff around her. When she started her third year, she noticed a change in her enthusiasm and motivation. She felt less excitement and energy for her job, had less patience with her clients and started dreading coming to work.
 
When I began to work with Lisa, we started to explore this dramatic shift in her work life. Although she admitted to some stressors in her personal life, she was certain that the burnout was due to several issues at work. Her clients were starting to have significant issues and they were coming to her more frequently asking her to remedy the situation. At the same time, she noticed that her manager was less and less available, but there was no communication surrounding this change.
 
Lisa said that she communicated the challenges with her clients to her manager and that he never addressed these issues with her, or gave her any direction. Lisa stated, “I feel buried under the rubble with no way of getting out.”
 
We decided to come up with a strategy for dealing with the issues regarding her clients. Lisa agreed to write a brief memo to her boss surrounding her concerns. I reviewed the memo to ensure that it was specific data and not simply a rap sheet of complaints.
 
We also reviewed other issues that Lisa has control of that will help her manage the changes at work. She admits that she is always checking email and feels that this is a distraction.
 
We decided that she will limit herself to checking email 3 times a day at specific times. We also discussed how to set better limits with her clients and management so that she can better focus on the task at hand. If someone comes to her and expects her to “drop everything” to deal with their request, we came up with the phrases that she could use to set limits. She also expressed the desire to go for a walk or take a lunch break sometimes, in order to change up her work day.
 
Lisa agreed to try these strategies for 3 months before she decides if she is going to consider making a job or career change.
 
Ultimately, she wants to be able to experience the same enthusiasm that she once had for her job.  
 
Burnout in the workplace is a major issue. However, it’s also something that people can effectively address with the right tools and strategies.  

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

​It is a common expression for my young adult clients to say that they want their parents to participate more in their life. “I am 32, where are my parents?”
 
“I don’t want to sound like a spoiled child, but I want my parents to be more involved in my life,” a client shared with me recently.
 
Adult children’s desire for parent involvement is very common, especially if the person is the youngest in their family and if their older siblings have established marriages, growing children, and careers,
 
One of my clients, *Lisa* has been living with her parents her entire life and had a very tumultuous time in her teens and 20s. Her career got off to a good start, but she battled substance abuse and was in a violent relationship where her partner also abused drugs. That relationship ended and it took her a couple of years to create the stability that she wanted.
 
She was able to get a new job and for the first time in her life was saving, investing, and planning for the future. She started going out more and met someone that she plans to marry later this year. She feels that living with her parents gave her support and the stability that she needed.
 
During recent sessions, Lisa has been discussing her parents and why they put so little focus on her and her upcoming wedding. Her two older sisters have been married for 7 and 10 years respectively and have children and careers that have been stable for 20 years. She feels that her parents are always focused on her siblings and pay little attention to her and her fiancé or their upcoming nuptials.
 
Lisa will communicate with her parents regarding their plans for the wedding and they never say much, but if they do, they want to know if Lisa and her fiancé have consulted her two older siblings to make sure the plan works with their schedule. She often says that she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, but when her siblings married, had children, and celebrate milestones, Lisa was expected to “just go along with it.”  
 
Lisa wants her parents to show enthusiasm for her wedding planning and to prioritize her needs around this occasion.
 
I have tried to help Lisa come up with a way to get her parents on board and more engaged with her life, but the only way that she can do that is to speak up.
 
Lisa would like to tell her parents, “I know that you are close to Jean and Janet and their families, but this is my wedding and it is a big deal even though you have been through this before. I would like you to be more involved in our plans.”
 
Lisa has agreed to speak up more to her parents and siblings and to continue to work on communication in her therapy with me.
 
Lisa admits that she hasn’t communicated to her parents and that she needs to try to give them gentle reminders more often.
 
The relationship between adult children and their parents can be challenging to navigate. If you or a loved one is struggling with this professional support can help.
 
​Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

The news in March is often focused on the NCAA basketball tournament, which is commonly referred to as March Madness.
 
The background of the term “madness” is that in our culture, individuals who struggle with mental illness used to be termed, as suffering from “madness.”
 
The epidemic of shootings by people with chronic mental health problems, has been the focus of a great deal of discussion.
 
I’d like to leave the sports arena, to examine one of the biggest debates in the public domain, which is gun legislation as it relates to individuals who are severely disturbed. The debate has focused on controlling guns, background checks, removing certain types of guns from the marketplace, and treatment of the chronically mentally ill.
 
Many people with mental illness will never commit a violent act. Advocates are concerned that focusing on how “disturbed” someone is, may stigmatize those with mental challenges. Another issue is that many people who plan to commit violent acts, may easily fall through the cracks of loop holes during background checks. The prevalence of guns and easy access to obtaining them, may not stop those who plan such acts.
 
The Orlando night club shooter was allegedly on two FBI watch lists. However, the gunman still was able to legally purchase a gun and proceeded to kill 49 people.
 
Pastor Rick Warren’s son suffered from mental illness for many years and bought his gun illegally on the internet before taking his own life. Some kids who are red flags for this type of act are sent to a psychiatrist, where they may present as calm and not be viewed as a threat. They might complain of being bullied and missing out on milestones that they see other kids obtaining.
 
We haven’t had time to study people who commit such acts, or people who are planning to commit one. It can take time to conduct research, and to come up with findings that may help guide us to the best solution.
 
In the meantime, a universal background check, or putting distance between kids of concern and their access to guns, may start to be a solution.

​A friend of mine has a relative in Montana who is concerned about her grandson. They have been having debates about whether they should have firearms in their house at all. Removing the guns may be a good first step, but the concern is that most people around them own guns, and guns are easily obtained in their area.
 
We can all try to intervene the best that we can to help keep those around us and our environment safe from violence. 

​Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

February is most known for being the month of romance and Valentine’s day.  Those of us who are in the counseling field, see time and time again, that friendships and keeping interactions positive, are the key to healthy long-term relationships.
 
When we follow through on promises, show up emotionally and physically, and own up to our part in the conflict, we have the most success in our relationships. If you do get into a heated discussion or argument with your partner, here are some tips for fighting in a fair and effective manner.
 
FIGHTING FAIR 
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A big part of keeping your relationship healthy is learning to fight in a fair and constructive manner.  It is easy in this fast-paced age of technology to neglect our relationships.  Here are some points to keep in mind.
 
RULE 1:  Stay with the subject: Avoid changing the subject to make a complaint against your partner. Keep your response focused on your partner’s needs and feelings.
 
RULE 2: Active Listening: Most disagreements occur because one partner does not fully listen to the other. Intead of telling your partner what they think or feel, listen carefully, and reflect back what they are saying.
 
RULE 3: Avoid the Past: Don’t bring up incidents or arguments that happened in the past. This will avoid an all-out “free for all” with your partner.
 
RULE 4: No Name Calling: Focus on the issues at hand and avoid calling your partner “stupid” or “lazy.”  Name-calling is abusive and can have long lasting consequences.
 
RULE 5:  Privacy: This is especially important if you have children, but it is also important to try not to argue in front of friends and family. Don’t avoid the issue, but plan a time to speak later.
 
RULE 6: Don’t go to bed angry: Finish the fight or agree to continue the discussion the next day.
 
RULE 7: Time Out: Respect each other’s need for a “time out” from an argument. Anger that goes on too long can destroy a relationship.
 
I hope this helps you and your partner. Happy Valentine’s day!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

​I have never been a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I usually forget about them midway into January or I end up losing interest as the year goes on.
 
Sometimes I will set goals in the summer or even in September, which is the start of the school year calendar. Most of us feel energetic and rested after the slower period of summer.
 
Recently a colleague and I were talking, and it lead me to think about the New Year as a time to let go of story lines in our lives that no longer work.
 
She was talking about ways that she viewed herself and how it was holding her back. She felt that she wasn’t allowing a change in her life or any movement toward personal and financial success.
 
“I have always been an underearner, but I can never turn around my financial situation.” She went on to say that by always viewing herself as an “underearner,” she kept herself in a bad situation financially. She said that she had given power to this theme for most of her adult life.
 
What story line or theme in your life do you need to let go of?
 
There so many people, children, families, who are grappling with serious problems that they cannot control. I am often amazed by how many of these people are positive about life and really enjoy themselves, despite everything that they are dealing with. They often try to drop the negative emotions or stress that is part of their situation.
 
Here are some suggestions for a new story line in 2018:
 
(1)If you have been hanging onto a story line for years that is not benefiting you or is holding you back, you have my permission to drop it and try to find a new story line that fits you. My colleague now calls herself a “wealth builder” and “wealth creator” versus an “underearner.” She has a new financial planner and is working hard to have more financial health than she has ever had.
 
(2)If you have always struggled with your health or other issues related to your body, instead of being down and thinking that there is nothing you can do, start taking baby steps. Try to go out walking with a friend or coworker, or go to the gym. Consider getting involved in a fun activity versus focusing on the number on the scale. The more enjoyable it is, the more likely you will keep up the activity.
 
(3)If you are unhappy with where you are in life right now, and this occupies your mind, try to understand that you are in this place for now-but it won’t be forever. I’ve often heard people say, “We are in a place or space for a reason.” You won’t be in this space forever, as many situations are temporary and will pass as we continue to move through life.
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We have a tendency in our consumer culture to want more and to forget about our life as it is at the present. There is a reason that things are the way they are. Work to embrace it, while letting go of any themes that are no longer working.
 
Happy New Year!

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

We are in the middle of the holiday season and it’s been a banner year for significant news events and politics. From daily reports about Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election outcome, to numerous prominent men being fired for allegations of sexual harassment, it can feel hard to keep up with it all.
 
How do we manage these conversations during holiday parties which are supposed to be about happy topics and how great our year was? Holiday season is always about a month after the election. No matter which camp you fall in, if you don’t manage the conversation, you can leave a holiday gathering feeling tired and exasperated.
 
(1) Plan the Time:  Tell your hosts that you only have an hour and that will allow you an easy exit if the conversations get too heated. You can also say that you may be coming down with something and that you had better get going.
 
(2) Try to spot a child or a pet: If you want to stay at the party, but desire to mix things up a bit, spotting a child or a pet can get you away from a conversation quicker than you ever thought. Just go over to the pet and pretend you are taking care of it and pet it as long as you need to avoid returning to the conversation. The same goes for a child, you can go off and play with the child and hide from plain sight as long as you need to.
 
(3) Generations: Sometimes gatherings can bring up tensions between the generations. People who are older may think younger people don’t know what they are talking about since their main source of information is Facebook. The younger generation are responsible for creating “fake news,” which makes their credibility a bigger challenge. Whereas, the older generation fought in the Vietnam war and watched the world change more dramatically.
 
(4) Trump? Clinton? If the conversation starts to rehash last year’s election results, you can play dumb and give the impression that you are not sure who they are talking about. You can start to discuss your summer travel plans or suggest the guests start singing Christmas carols. Changing the topic is perfectly fine and it’s also ok to say that you simply do not wish to discuss politics.
 
(5) Listen and Agree: If all the above ideas don’t work and you feel like sticking it out, you can. However, understand that you may start to exhibit signals of disinterest if the conversation goes on and on.
 
Have a wonderful holiday season and see you in 2018!
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Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

​In recent months, there has been an explosion of claims about sexual harassment in the workplace. Companies are vowing to clean up their act and end the era of pushing the issue of sexual harassment under the rug and paying off victims to silence them.
 
As we look at the issue of respect in the workplace, another issue that is being scrutinized is pay equity. As a social worker, you would think that we would simply accept the low pay and low status that our profession is known for. We go into this field to help people, however we still deserve to be fairly compensated for our work.
 
I have not only been taking more interest in this topic, but have also started to take note of things women do or things women are asked to do, which impacts our salary and can make a huge difference in what we earn in our lifetime.
 
One important thing is to determine what others in your organization are making who do a similar job to you. It’s also important to research your industry and see what the pay range is for your job title and the industry that you are in. Interviewing others outside your company who perform a similar job is also critical to your data collection.
 
I have been interested in this issue for years and have started asking people about this and how they are impacted. I have also been encouraging women to have more consciousness around their salary, and to ask for raises. One colleague was paid by the company whose products she sells, but it never occurred to her to also charge her own separate fee when she meets with a client,  
 
Years ago, I was working for a state institution and learned that the woman in the same classification as I was making $20,000 more, which was almost double what I was earning. I brought this issue to the attention of my manager and the director of our program. They shared with me that this woman took a pay cut to work in this organization, and that they found research money to support her salary. They also told me that I was trying to “keep up with the Jones’s.”
 
Overtime, I decided to drop the issue. I determined that the most that would have happened is removing the “salary support” from my colleague’s salary, but I would not have gotten a raise and my salary was never adjusted. As a result, my enthusiasm suffered and others commented on how my morale had changed. When the managers addressed my change in morale, they did not inquire if the dramatic salary difference impacted me.
 
This situation highlights the importance of addressing any salary inequities. Even if a salary inequity seems minor, it can add up significantly over time. 
 
In a future blog, I will address how to be more aware of this issue and what you can do if you find out that a colleague doing a similar job is making more than you.  

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
 
Given the events in Las Vegas on October 1st, I want to acknowledge the victims, survivors, their families, as well as the public safety workers who have worked tirelessly to help people following the worst mass killing in the United States.
 
As we discuss how to move forward after Las Vegas, I want to highlight another type of domestic problem our country is dealing with; violence in intimate relationships.
 
A Case Study
 
Recently, I was contacted by *Susan who was living with her boyfriend, Jim.* She felt that they needed to see a therapist together, given that their relationship had become volatile and their fights were starting to get physical. We scheduled an appointment for them to come in for a consultation.
 
When the day arrived, I was contacted by the receptionist. I went out to the waiting room to greet Susan and Jim. I scanned the waiting area and saw two couples, and they both looked so cheerful and happy. I figured that there must be a mistake, or perhaps Susan and Jim were waiting in a different area of the floor. Neither of the couples looked like they had a domestic violence issue. I started to turn around to go back to my office, and then it occurred to me that perhaps one of those “happy and serene” couples, could be Susan and Jim.
 
I asked if anyone was waiting for Kay, and a woman jumped up happily and extended her hand. A pleasant looking man, who I assumed was Jim, stood up after her and also shook my hand. I remember a voice in my head saying, “you have a domestic violence problem?!” They didn’t fit the image of the couples that we see on the news or the cases that often make local or national headlines.
 
Many of us, even seasoned professionals, have misconceptions about who has a domestic violence problem or what a relationship containing domestic violence looks like.
 
When I started the consultation, Susan’s spirited demeanor and Jim’s pleasantness shifted to a more serious and sometimes sad look. They both said that their once wonderful relationship was starting to have some bumps and some occasional drinking. Their fights were starting to get physical and Jim admitted to pushing Susan after a recent fight.
 
Both said that they have not spoken to friends and family about their situation as they are so shocked that they are having a relationship where there is battering. Both said that they viewed domestic violence as an issue that people have when they come from unstable and unhappy backgrounds or have limited resources or ways to cope with life’s problems.
 
As we proceeded with the treatment, I gave psychoeducation around myths and misperceptions about people who seek help for domestic violence.
 
There are many couples who appear happy and well-adjusted, who come from stable backgrounds and find themselves with a partner where conflict becomes unmanageable. Sometimes that is due to drinking, whereas other times it is due to conflicts around the children or family dynamics.
 
IOnce we were able to debunk some of the myths about domestic violence, I was able to work with Jim and Susan and their relationship improved.
 
Jim and Susan both admitted when their various relationships have conflicts, they are unable to resolve it, the fighting starts, and they don’t know how to manage it. I reviewed “Rules for Fair Fighting” and “Communication Do’s and Don’ts.” After giving Jim and Susan homework and being able to process their conflicts, they were able to relate to one another without the volatility that they had before.
 
I hope that this case highlights that therapists and individuals in our broader society, may need to check their assumptions about domestic violence. You simply can’t tell who might be in a relationship containing domestic violence, based on outward appearances.  
 
Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.