Why do so many people support R. Kelly?
 
Other famous men, such as OJ Simpson, Mike Tyson and Louie CK were also supported by many despite their abuse towards women.
 
Truthfully, I did not know who R. Kelly was until a few months ago. However, I have noticed that whenever a prominent man is accused of abuse towards women and girls, he seems to receive support from the community and his peers.
 
In an era where we are concerned about police brutality towards communities of color and the public at large, why is there less outrage about other forms of violence?
 
In the case of R. Kelly, the issue surrounds abuse and an adult man holding captive and marrying underage girls.
 
It is hardly worth noting that Mr. Kelly has denied all of the allegations and stated that the women who came forward are all lying.
 
When fans are asked about their loyalty, they have a range of answers from not believing it to saying that we should consider ‘his side of the story.’ Others state that they have been following Mr. Kelly for years and that ‘he isn’t someone who would engage in that kind of behavior.’
 
Many of these statements are parallel to the excuses that are used to justify views that a police officer used brutal force when it was not necessary. Now that citizens are filming police incident and officers are using body cams, it is much harder to deny what occurred.
 
It has been reported that R. Kelly married the singer Aliyah when she was a minor and that they tried to cover it up. Other women and their families have said that he would not allow women to leave his home. They also stated that he told them how to explain to their families what they were doing, in an effort to not raise any concerns about their safety.
 
Women of color have been viewed as hypersexual by the broader culture. Their allegations of abuse have been racialized for decades and their complaints are often viewed with suspicion.
 
Historically, women have received their power and status from their involvement with and proximity to men. This might help to explain why some women might feel a need to support powerful men, regardless of potential wrongdoings that might have occurred.
 
Ultimately, supporting violence degrades and brings everyone down and does little to advance women in the world.

​Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

As the holidays are fast approaching, many individuals struggle with effective time management.
 
I am working on personal tasks, which include 2-3 high priority tasks and 3 low priority ones. However, it’s hard to sit down, focus and get things done. It seems that I spend my weekend thinking about what needs to be done and by the end of it, little is accomplished.
 
Many people are able to get things done at work as there is structure, deadlines, and a boss hanging over them. However, what happens after work hours or on weekends where there is a lot to do and not as much time?
 
People often get so overwhelmed that they think about what needs to be done, only to find that hours have passed and they haven’t even started.
 
After many years of speaking with friends and working with clients on prioritizing and managing personal tasks, I have come up with some effective solutions to get things done and beat the productivity blues.
 

1. Make a list with the weekend dates at the top, such as Friday, Nov 9-Sunday, Nov 11th and list 3 things that you want to work on or accomplish over the weekend. Decide how much time you want to spend on each one and then schedule it in blocks. Make sure that the schedule includes breaks. Try to keep evenings for socializing and having fun. 
2. Make sure that you spend time getting your work area ready and that it’s clutter free. Say ‘no’ to requests that take time away from your priorities. Decide how much time you need for a task; 1-2 hours usually works as this is a good amount of time to focus and to made some headway. Make sure to get lots of rest the night before a marathon work day.
   
3. Experiment with different ways of accomplishing tasks. Work for 30-60 minutes and then see how you feel. Keep going if you can. But if you need to. stop, stretch or take a short walk. 
4. Instead of focusing on goals, think about why you want to do the task and what identity you will take on if you complete something. This is a new way of thinking that can be helpful if you are struggling with finishing a project.

 
Ultimately, we all have to embrace discomfort in order to build new habits and practices.
 
Thus, bringing your activities and accomplishments in alignment with your true values.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.
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These past few weeks have been a watershed moment in American culture and in the political realm.
 
Justice Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed to the Supreme Court and the questions are, “Where do we go from here?’ and “How do we assist our employees who may have been re-traumatized by the hearings based on past trauma?”
 
Much of the focus has been on women and the #metoo movement which many feel is driven by and for women. However, we know many of our male employees have a history of trauma.
 
Here are some suggestions for Human Resources and employees:
 
(1) Take Time: Allow employees to take time to process the hearings. If the person needs time off and has time, you can grant this if it does not impact the person’s work.  
 
(2) Limit News Coverage: Now that the hearings have concluded, it is easier to limit your consumption of news coverage surrounding the trial. Focusing on work and your daily routine, may limit a focus on the outcome.
 
(3) Avoid Self Blame
 
(4) Avoid Debating about the Hearings: If an employee has a history of trauma, arguing about Justice Kavanaugh’s guilt or innocence is not going to help the person who has been re-traumatized.  
 
(5) A Crime was Committed: Acknowledging this can help you to accept what happened and continue to heal. Denial will continue to re-traumatize individuals who are suffering.
 
(6) Get Support or Counseling: Many survivors have had extensive counseling. If you need additional help, you can attend counseling or increase the support that you already have.
 
Watching the hearings can be a useful and productive experience for a period of time as they speak to all of us. It also helps us to have empathy and understanding for others.
 
After the event is over everyone resumes their daily activities and some individuals can move right on. However, for survivors of trauma, their work and home life can be impacted.
 
Recognizing the ramifications and addressing them appropriately, can help individuals and the culture of a company.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

This week’s hot topic was the US Open Women’s Tennis Final in Flushing, New York. A week after the controversy, I wondered if it would be old news by now or if this incident would be debated for years to come. It hasn’t died down and my opinion differs from many of the popular views about the match.
 
The match was billed as historic. If Serena Williams won she would have 24 grand slam wins to her credit, tying Margaret Court for the most wins in women’s tennis. Naomi Osaka got off to a strong start and won the first set. Many of us were surprised that this newcomer would come out swinging against one of the best tennis players of all time. The second set started and it appeared that Naomi was going to win the match in straight sets in just over an hour, however Serena did seem to be catching up ever so slightly.
 
That’s when the trouble began. Serena was given a warning because the chair umpire saw that her coach was signaling to her. This rule is rarely enforced according to many of the tennis commentators. Serena became angry and started to badger the chair umpire and called him a thief. When she saw that this didn’t impact the umpire’s decision, she slammed and broke her racket as ‘that’s what passionate players do.’ She was charged a point for this. She couldn’t stop and eventually was penalized 1 game.
 
The match continued and Naomi Osaka won her first grand slam at the US Open. Serena was not going to go quietly and essentially destroyed this moment for her opponent and her opponent’s fans.
 
Serena was successful in getting people to believe that she was a victim of sexism and that men are treated differently. This is true in tennis and in life, however in this instance she and popular opinion are dead wrong.
 
The minute Serena started her rant, my memory went back to the 2009 US Open Women’s Tennis final when Serena played against Kim Clijsters in the final. Back then, she did the same exact thing at the same point in the match. She was penalized for her behavior and the match ended without the players playing for match point.
 
When Serena is losing a match that she thinks she should win, she is known to display this kind of behavior. If she cannot win, she makes sure that her opponents win will be as unpleasant as possible.
 
Serena showed the worst form of sexism by her behavior last Saturday. Unfortunately, Naomi Osaka’s win will be remembered by Serena’s bad behavior and little else.
 
When Serena tried to calm the crowd during the award ceremony, it was too late as the damage was already done.
 
Neither tennis nor women’s rights lost last week. Serena lost….plain and simple.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

The other day, I was getting ready to swim laps. Lap swimming felt like both a necessary and enjoyable hobby for me after my competitive swimming days ended years ago.
 
Before my fellow swimmers and I jump into the lap lane, we exit the locker room and do a strut across the pool deck like we are contestants in a swim suit competition. There is a window around the pool full of parents and children watching their child or sibling learn to swim. We hope they will glance at us, just for a second to acknowledge our swimwear and physical fitness.
 
Even though many of my fellow swimmers and I are not in the shape that we were when we were 20 years old, we all like to parade in front of the onlookers.
 
When it was announced that the Miss America pageant was discontinuing the swimsuit competition, I felt sad and nostalgic for the days when contestants were able to wear one piece bathing suits and there was much more body diversity.
 
I have always liked the fact that physical fitness was part of the competition. However, I was alarmed at the extreme thinness that has taken over the competition in recent years and that the only swimwear allowed is a skimpy bikini.
 
Rather than discontinuing the swimsuit competition, officials could have thought about a range of ways to judge fitness and conditioning, as well as opening up the competition to women of diverse body types.
 
Being a pageant watcher all my life, I know that many women feel confidence about the work that is involved in getting ready for the swimsuit competition. I heard one former contestant say that she felt empowered when she did her strut across the stage in front of millions of people. “Is there anything I can’t do after doing that,” she proclaimed.
 
This phase of the competition is a chance to show the power and strength of a woman’s body. If we think that the swimsuit competition is bad, at what point are we colluding with a culture that says women’s bodies are destructive and toxic.
 
The pageant had a golden opportunity to rethink the competition as they are trying to be more sensitive to our cultural climate.
 
Officials said that the bathing suit competition has been their Achilles heel over the years.
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However, what if they had let the contestants have some say in how they demonstrate a healthy mind and body? Maybe the organization could have come up with a range of ways to show this, including swimwear. This would also be in line with having more diversity in body types and cultural backgrounds.
 
I am disappointed that bathing suits are out of the competition and like many controversies, I don’t think we can decide if this previous phase of the competition is objectifying or empowering.
 
However, I feel that the pageant missed an opportunity to rethink this important part of the competition.
 
Well….it is time for me to take my swim.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.
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The shocking deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have brought worldwide attention to the suicide epidemic in the United States, as well as a call to destigmatize mental illness. Calls to crisis hotlines have spiked in the past couple of weeks, which is typical after a death of a high-profile person. For instance, similar trends were noted after Robin Williams’ death. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has put suicide in the top 10 causes of death.  
 
Many factors can cause a person to end their life, whether they have struggled with depression for many years or have had a recent episode of major depression. Some events that can lead to suicidal ideation are: job loss, financial problems, divorce and health problems. If you notice that someone is “down,” not themselves, easily agitated, or withdrawn, these could be signs that they are contemplating suicide.
 
In the past few years, I have worked with individuals in my private practice and managers of firms who have asked me what to do when they are concerned about someone. I also previously counseled a woman whose fiancé had returned from war who was at a high risk for self-harm.
 
In all of these situations, it is important to find a time when the person is able to sit down and speak in person. It’s important to start by telling the individual the changes that you have noticed. You can give a few examples of what you have seen and why you are concerned. It is important not to overwhelm the person as that may cause the person to withdraw further. This is especially true if someone has had a traumatic experience, such as a loss of a loved one or has been in combat as part of their military service.
 
If the person is not ready to get help, you can continue to try and speak with them to check in on how they are doing. If you are still concerned, you can suggest that they see a mental health professional and offer them some resources. Most people have access to employee assistance programs, therapists in their community and mental health centers.
 
We can all do our part to help people who are suffering from mental illness by showing our concern and letting people know that we are there for them. Ultimately, it’s crucial that we work to eradicate the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

Burnout: emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress and overworking.
 
During Lisa’s first two years at work she was excited to come to work, found her work engaging and enjoyed the staff around her. When she started her third year, she noticed a change in her enthusiasm and motivation. She felt less excitement and energy for her job, had less patience with her clients and started dreading coming to work.
 
When I began to work with Lisa, we started to explore this dramatic shift in her work life. Although she admitted to some stressors in her personal life, she was certain that the burnout was due to several issues at work. Her clients were starting to have significant issues and they were coming to her more frequently asking her to remedy the situation. At the same time, she noticed that her manager was less and less available, but there was no communication surrounding this change.
 
Lisa said that she communicated the challenges with her clients to her manager and that he never addressed these issues with her, or gave her any direction. Lisa stated, “I feel buried under the rubble with no way of getting out.”
 
We decided to come up with a strategy for dealing with the issues regarding her clients. Lisa agreed to write a brief memo to her boss surrounding her concerns. I reviewed the memo to ensure that it was specific data and not simply a rap sheet of complaints.
 
We also reviewed other issues that Lisa has control of that will help her manage the changes at work. She admits that she is always checking email and feels that this is a distraction.
 
We decided that she will limit herself to checking email 3 times a day at specific times. We also discussed how to set better limits with her clients and management so that she can better focus on the task at hand. If someone comes to her and expects her to “drop everything” to deal with their request, we came up with the phrases that she could use to set limits. She also expressed the desire to go for a walk or take a lunch break sometimes, in order to change up her work day.
 
Lisa agreed to try these strategies for 3 months before she decides if she is going to consider making a job or career change.
 
Ultimately, she wants to be able to experience the same enthusiasm that she once had for her job.  
 
Burnout in the workplace is a major issue. However, it’s also something that people can effectively address with the right tools and strategies.  

Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

​It is a common expression for my young adult clients to say that they want their parents to participate more in their life. “I am 32, where are my parents?”
 
“I don’t want to sound like a spoiled child, but I want my parents to be more involved in my life,” a client shared with me recently.
 
Adult children’s desire for parent involvement is very common, especially if the person is the youngest in their family and if their older siblings have established marriages, growing children, and careers,
 
One of my clients, *Lisa* has been living with her parents her entire life and had a very tumultuous time in her teens and 20s. Her career got off to a good start, but she battled substance abuse and was in a violent relationship where her partner also abused drugs. That relationship ended and it took her a couple of years to create the stability that she wanted.
 
She was able to get a new job and for the first time in her life was saving, investing, and planning for the future. She started going out more and met someone that she plans to marry later this year. She feels that living with her parents gave her support and the stability that she needed.
 
During recent sessions, Lisa has been discussing her parents and why they put so little focus on her and her upcoming wedding. Her two older sisters have been married for 7 and 10 years respectively and have children and careers that have been stable for 20 years. She feels that her parents are always focused on her siblings and pay little attention to her and her fiancé or their upcoming nuptials.
 
Lisa will communicate with her parents regarding their plans for the wedding and they never say much, but if they do, they want to know if Lisa and her fiancé have consulted her two older siblings to make sure the plan works with their schedule. She often says that she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, but when her siblings married, had children, and celebrate milestones, Lisa was expected to “just go along with it.”  
 
Lisa wants her parents to show enthusiasm for her wedding planning and to prioritize her needs around this occasion.
 
I have tried to help Lisa come up with a way to get her parents on board and more engaged with her life, but the only way that she can do that is to speak up.
 
Lisa would like to tell her parents, “I know that you are close to Jean and Janet and their families, but this is my wedding and it is a big deal even though you have been through this before. I would like you to be more involved in our plans.”
 
Lisa has agreed to speak up more to her parents and siblings and to continue to work on communication in her therapy with me.
 
Lisa admits that she hasn’t communicated to her parents and that she needs to try to give them gentle reminders more often.
 
The relationship between adult children and their parents can be challenging to navigate. If you or a loved one is struggling with this professional support can help.
 
​Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.

The news in March is often focused on the NCAA basketball tournament, which is commonly referred to as March Madness.
 
The background of the term “madness” is that in our culture, individuals who struggle with mental illness used to be termed, as suffering from “madness.”
 
The epidemic of shootings by people with chronic mental health problems, has been the focus of a great deal of discussion.
 
I’d like to leave the sports arena, to examine one of the biggest debates in the public domain, which is gun legislation as it relates to individuals who are severely disturbed. The debate has focused on controlling guns, background checks, removing certain types of guns from the marketplace, and treatment of the chronically mentally ill.
 
Many people with mental illness will never commit a violent act. Advocates are concerned that focusing on how “disturbed” someone is, may stigmatize those with mental challenges. Another issue is that many people who plan to commit violent acts, may easily fall through the cracks of loop holes during background checks. The prevalence of guns and easy access to obtaining them, may not stop those who plan such acts.
 
The Orlando night club shooter was allegedly on two FBI watch lists. However, the gunman still was able to legally purchase a gun and proceeded to kill 49 people.
 
Pastor Rick Warren’s son suffered from mental illness for many years and bought his gun illegally on the internet before taking his own life. Some kids who are red flags for this type of act are sent to a psychiatrist, where they may present as calm and not be viewed as a threat. They might complain of being bullied and missing out on milestones that they see other kids obtaining.
 
We haven’t had time to study people who commit such acts, or people who are planning to commit one. It can take time to conduct research, and to come up with findings that may help guide us to the best solution.
 
In the meantime, a universal background check, or putting distance between kids of concern and their access to guns, may start to be a solution.

​A friend of mine has a relative in Montana who is concerned about her grandson. They have been having debates about whether they should have firearms in their house at all. Removing the guns may be a good first step, but the concern is that most people around them own guns, and guns are easily obtained in their area.
 
We can all try to intervene the best that we can to help keep those around us and our environment safe from violence. 

​Kay Gimmestad, LCSW-C is a business coach and clinician in New York City with 20 years of experience working in the profit and not for profit sectors of Human Resources, Health and Human Services. She has built a reputation for being highly skilled in facilitating behavior change while working with employees, both individually and in groups, on matters relating to performance management, substance abuse, crisis intervention, and stress/wellness.